I never thought that those words would ever come out of my mouth, but events over the past 3 months have made me re-evaluate my relationship with the sauce. According to Wikipedia, an alcoholic is "the drinker's inability to control such compulsive drinking, despite awareness of its harm to his or her health." Now that isn't what people think of when they think of an alcoholic but given the recent circumstances, it is what defines me and my problem.
Every major incident that has cause myself or someone else pain in any shape or form has come when I have been drunk and it's usually when I have been blacked out and don't remember. After realizing this, I finally admitted to myself that I have a problem.
I have been arrested 3 times in my life and all three are alcohol related; one of them I hurt myself badly and caused damage to another vehicle. Most recently I caused property damage and in all likely hood, got someone evicted from their residence all because I was drunk and acting like a complete idiot.
One of my dear friends told me the other night that when I drink, I don't stop; that I have no remorse for what I say or what I do and that not only have I hurt her and most likely others, but I have no care for what I could do to myself.
She is right.
I have been drinking since I was 13 years old and I have never really stopped. Sure there were times where I would go maybe 7-8 weeks between having a drink but in the big picture of things, I was always a drinker and a drug user. About 2 ½ years ago, I kicked to major addictions of mine: nicotine (I smoked for the better part of 15 years) and cocaine. While going through this life changing experience I never once thought about quitting drinking. Honestly, at the time I didn't think I had a problem.
Times have changed.
Nobody wants to be with someone who can't control themselves, whether they are under the influence of a drug or not. It is not easy to be respected and loved by your friends when you embarrass them and yourself to the point where it is hurtful. You can't be a father figure to a child when you get drunk and do something that they have been taught is wrong.
Life has a way of teaching you hard lessons and you would think that the more mistakes you make, the more one would learn. Apparently I like to learn things the hard way.
I have never been taught a lesson like this, ever. I have also never felt so ashamed of me as a person in my entire life. Alcohol has caused people to look and act differently around me; to think of me in a different way than the way I would like them too. Not only have I lost respect for myself but I know I have lost the trust and respect of a lot of people who I love and care about.
The road in front of me is scary as shit and I honestly am afraid to take that first step. Alwyn Cosgrove always said that if you jump, the net will appear. For the sake of this next journey, I wonder how long I have to fall before it appears because right now I don't think I can fall any further.
Standing at the bottom and looking up is an all too familiar spot for me. I have done it once and I now have to do it again. The first time around wasn't too hard though, but this time will be different. This is going to be the biggest challenge of my life so far.
I'm alone and scared to death.
Still, I am going to take my first step towards change.
